


you came out of nowhere (and you cut through all the noise)

by budd



Series: time keeps movin' forward [1]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Anxiety, David Rose is a Good Person, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, M/M, Patrick Brewer loves David Rose, Scars, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/budd/pseuds/budd
Summary: Patrick goes through a depressive episode along with reoccurring thoughts of self-harm, but David is right by his side to guide him.Title from "Ease My Mind" by Ben Platt
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: time keeps movin' forward [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108112
Comments: 2
Kudos: 74





	you came out of nowhere (and you cut through all the noise)

**Author's Note:**

> Usually, I write as a way to distract myself, but I decided to create more a vent-like piece today. That being said, please proceed with caution and stay safe. You are all loved and appreciated more than you realize <3

To say today was a rough day for Patrick would be an understatement. For someone who puts so much energy into their store, making sure it stays open from 9am-5pm every weekday (Saturdays, too), and is always planning night events to help draw in customers, you'd think he'd want to be there 24/7, but he couldn't on this day. He physically couldn't muster up the courage to step out of bed. Patrick asked David to cover for him, which he did, of course. This didn't stop Patrick from feeling guilty, though. On days like this where he was bedridden, sulking in his own thoughts, he couldn't help feeling like he was doing something wrong by staying home and leaving their business entirely to his husband regardless of the fact that it belonged to him first.

It was hard. It was hard wanting nothing more than to be with David despite the fact that he is all the way across town. Patrick knew David would close shop early in a heartbeat if he asked, however, he refused to break their customer loyalty by being "spontaneously closed" again. It was probably—no, _definitely_ —wrong of Patrick to put the Apothecary over his mental health, but the store was his baby and he wanted to give it the proper care. 

Patrick was diagnosed with depression around four years ago, shortly after he came to Schitt's Creek. You think finally figuring out your sexuality and cutting off a marriage with a woman when you're attracted to men would help. Nevertheless, it didn't. It gave him more questions than answers. _Why did it take me so long to come to realization? Did I waste nearly thirty years of my life? Would I have still moved here and met David if I discovered myself earlier?_ Those are just a few examples of the thoughts that constantly rang in Patrick's head post-diagnosis. 

David is always supportive of Patrick. David was diagnosed with anxiety in high school, so he knows the feeling of receiving life-altering news like that. While it can certainly help you make sense of a lot of things, it can also lead you to overthink things you thought you already sorted out. 

With depression, there isn't always a rhyme or reason to why you fall back into an episode. Sometimes you just wake up one morning, stuck, although Patrick knew why he was in one today: he was a year free from cutting. After marrying David, most of his feelings of loneliness and worthlessness he felt that led him to self-harming have disappeared. His urges are still there, though. 365 days feels like _forever_ without the feeling of control cutting gives him. With his thoughts constantly spinning out of control, it's easy for Patrick to feel like the entire universe is against him. When Patrick holds that blade in his hand, he's able to inflict the pain the world is throwing at him from each and every angle. He's able to let everyone and everything dissolve around him, commanding over it. He lifts his left wrist up, letting his other fingers feel the raised discolored skin. The cuts are healed now, but they'll be a part of Patrick perpetually. He has tried all the trades on Reddit to conceal them including _literal_ concealer, aloe, cocoa butter, thick silicone bracelets, the infamous long sleeve approach. If it's on the internet, he'a attempted it. 

Until he met David, he never thought the journey to self-love and acceptance was possible. He figured he would be the kid in their mom's makeup bag testing out every skin tone product forever, then David Rose waltzed into his life. The first time David noticed Patrick's scars was at Stevie's apartment. Patrick was so caught up in the heat of the moment he didn't realize they were exposed until David stopped to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. _I hope you know I won't ever think any lower of you because of your scars_ was what he said. Patrick has held onto those words all this time later because while he covered for himself, he also covered out of fear of being interrogated. David never did that, he instead treats them as if they're any other part of his body, like they've been there for his entire life since birth. He isn't all the way there in terms of embracing the marks that line the inside of his arms. He still feels sorry for himself that it's the only way he was able to process his emotions in years prior.

Patrick would be lying if he said there aren't moments where he finds a shard of broken glass or a pair of abandoned scissors and thinks about relapsing. Even if it just for a second, it still crosses his mind, however, he can't help feeling ashamed about it because David had worked so hard along side him.

Still looking down and feeling his scars, water begin pricking at the corners of Patrick's eyes when he hears a knock on their bedroom door. "Hey, honey", David yells from the entryway, setting down his phone and keys on their TV stand before making his way towards their bedroom where Patrick's sitting still on their mattress. "How are you feeling?"

Sighing, Patrick allows a single tear to roll down his cheek. David immediately brushes it away, sitting across from him. "I don't know."

"It's okay to not know," David shoots Patrick a look to ask if it's okay for him to grab his hands. Once Patrick nods, David takes them in is own, setting them on his lap between them. "Would you like to talk?"

Patrick admires David's constant questions; he _always_ asks before forcing him into conversation. "I think I just need to not be alone with my thoughts right now," David nods, letting go of Patrick to lie down on his side of the bed, Patrick following suit. David never wants to overstep, so he asks Patrick if cuddling was on the table. "Always."

Patrick turns on his side, David pressing his back up against his body. His arms are wrapped around his waist. Patrick looks back down at his wrist, tears threatening to fall again. David presses a soft kiss to his forehead. "I'm proud of you."

"Why?" Patrick turns around in David's arms.

David caresses the small of his back. "Did you think I would forget about your one year today?" A smile spreads across Patrick's face.

"Based on how often you forget things that don't directly pertain to you, I'm a little shocked you didn't," David lets out a giggle, holding Patrick closer to him. "I love you, David."

David happily sighs, pecking Patrick's forehead twice, followed by his temple. "I love you more, Patrick."


End file.
